MYTH
Children can not be believed. Most stories about sexual abuse are planted by another adult with a revenge motive. Or, the child is just trying to get attention.

Reality
Research proves again and again, children seldom make up stories about sexual abuse. Why would someone make up that story? Children who have not been abused do not have the explicit knowledge of sexual acts or reactions. They also do not know the common emotional reactions, which are consistently described in professional assessments. Children who report abuse, then later recant or take it back, often do so because of many fears. They fear they will lose someone they love because of the report. It is causing too many problems within the family dynamic. They have been or will be removed from their family. They are intimidated by the legal system. They have been threatened with physical abuse or abandonment by the perpetrator. They think they are protecting other siblings. Or, they fear a parent's reaction. The process can trigger multiple trauma bonds and dissociation.

MYTH
Good parents can always protect their children with education.

Reality
The truth is even the most attentive and well-meaning parents may not be able to protect their child against a perpetrator. You certainly can provide a more protective environment by assessing environments, knowing people who associate with your children and educating your child. But sometimes, children are abused and the best of parents could not have done anything about it. Perpetrators are excellent manipulators, and may also have manipulated the parents into believing their child is safe with them.

Of course, talking to your children about the difference between good touch and bad touch is important. It is so important to tell your children that this rule applies to everyone; even family members, teachers or people who are your friends. Sex offenders are rarely the "boogy monster". Teach your child it it is okay to remove themselves from uncomfortable situations and how to reach you as soon as possible to tell you about any occurrences. Then, be sure and listen carefully. If you have any doubts, trust your child. You can learn to recognize they symptoms and behaviors in order to get your child immediate help if abuse does occur. Too often parents also get lost in their feelings of guilt and may even suffer from secondary post traumatic stress. The guilt and over-protectiveness which often results, may negatively effect their child. It is important for all parents to also get professional counseling when their child has been abused.

MYTH
The majority of children are abused by strangers.

Reality
Most children are abused by people the child or parent knows and trusts. Think about it. They are most vulnerable to these people. Of course, parents need to continue to provide educational warnings regarding strangers, too. But, children need to know that we cant always trust people we think we can. They need to know how grown-ups can manipulate children, and the difference between acceptable touch and non-acceptable touch. Children find it easy to understand that one clear unacceptable touch zone is anything that would be covered by a bathing suit.

MYTH
Sexual abuse which occurs before a child can talk, or at a very early age, is forgotten and does not cause any harm.

Reality
Sometimes it is even harder for those who have been sexually abused at a very early age to work through the painful aftereffects because they have no concrete memories to work from. However, they often find their life being sabotaged by feelings, flashbacks, overwhelming negative messages and painful core feelings. This can effect relationships, career choices and even weight. Many survivors reach for food, don't eat or purge to escape and gain control.

MYTH
It's not sexual abuse unless intercourse is involved. There is really no harm in fondling, touching, rubbing, French kissing, mouth kissing, lewd talk, pornography exposure or voyeurism.

Reality
Wrong! All of the above constitute sexual abuse and can have extremely harmful effects on a child.

MYTH
It's not sexual abuse when a 24-year-old man has sex with a willing 14-year-old.

Reality
Sexual abuse is about a power differentiation. An adult has more power than a 14-year-old. He or she knows there are major developmental differences between a teen and adult. However, the child may believe he/she is a willing participant because of the dance of the perpetrator. At this age, the perpetrator often uses seduction and the allure of romance against a child just entering romantic relationships. They may act as a confidant to a teenager who often turns to friends or others as he/she begins to become individuals. In most states, this is considered statutory rape. Why would a 24-year-old want to sleep with a young teenager? Who really has the power? It is a good idea to set age limits on who your child can date or associate with. You may limit it to the same grade, or make it no more than two years older. Sometimes though, even the best parents are fooled. Get to know the people in your child's life, the best you can. If you discover your child has lied, end the relationship immediately. Discuss your concerns with your child. And, consider contacting authorities if this person is an adult who is preying upon teens. Your family may also need counseling to help you get through this tough time.

MYTH
Sometimes children are seductive. They have the power to stop the sexual advances at any time, but they like it.

Reality
Children are children. Even if an adult is exposed to a seductive child, it is the adults responsibility to say no, not the child's. Children you perceive as seductive are often already victims of sexual abuse. They have learned attention and love equals this type of behavior even if they dont understand what it means. Many times perpetrators teach the child to act this way, and fool the child into thinking it is all their idea or responsibility. The adult is always responsible, yet adult survivors often struggle with a feeling that they are guilty because they did not stop it.

MYTH
Children can stop abuse by just saying no or telling another adult.

Reality
We would like to believe this, but it's just not true. Perpetrators frequently don't stop when a child says no; remember there is a power difference. They often pick a child who appears more vulnerable overall. This child is less likely to be assertive and more easily deceived. Often the abuse escalates over a period of time. The perpetrator tricks the child. The perpetrator also may threaten the child with physical harm, family abandonment, abuse of a sibling or belief that they are bad and he/she would not be touching them unless they had not asked for it. Teach children to say no and to NEVER KEEP THIS TYPE OF SECRET REGARDLESS OF ANY TYPE OF THREAT. They also need to learn they should keep telling until an adult listens and does something to protect them. But, dont be angry with a child who does not tell you. Something within the childs environment or the abuse by the perpetrator has stopped them from being able to do so. Focus anger at the perpetrator, not the victim. Sometimes the child tells a parent and is not believed, or the parent confronts the abuser and believes the abuser when told "the child is lying, it was nothing, I won't do it again." Parents should always take action to remove the child from the abuser and sexual abuse should ALWAYS be reported to the police so the abuser cannot hurt another child.

MYTH
Incest occurs because a mans wife is not satisfying him sexually.

Reality
Incest occurs because someone has a strong desire to have power over someone else; does not control or get help for unhealthy desires; a person thinks only of themself and negates any consequences to others; is willing to manipulate to get what he/she wants; is sneaky. It is not caused by the non-perpetrating spouse. The perpetrator may or may not be having sexual relations with an adult partner.

MYTH
A sexual abuse survivor is likely to abuse his/her own children.

Reality
This is not true! The majority of those who are sexually abused never sexually abuse their children. While perpetrators may have been sexually abused, they often grew up in a violent home, and have personality disorders. Their acts are a choice, not a genetic flaw. It is sad that some survivors choose not to have children because of that fear. It is important for you, as a parent, to get professional help to address the unresolved issues related to any abuse in your past though, because these can impact your child emotionally as well. You also don't want to continue to suffer from the impact of the abuse as an adult.

MYTH
If the child acts sexually aroused, or does not complain during the sexual abuse, then it does no harm and cannot be considered sexual abuse.

Reality
The body reacts to physical sexual stimulation. This also can occur during sexual abuse. The child is not able to control these physical reactions. The child may even enjoy these physical responses. There is nothing wrong with this. It is a physiological reaction. However, it does not mean the child is enjoying the abuse. Most children do not have the emotional capability to understand what is happening to them. In many cases, the events leading up to the touch may be the child's only moments of closeness. Children learn to dissociate from an early age. They also can go away mentally because the event is confusing. This misperception often hampers the adult survivor's ability to let go of their feelings of being responsible for past abuse. Remember to ask, Who really has the power?

MYTH
You can spot an abuser by how he or she looks. They may look bizarre or even mean.

Reality
It's true that many sexual abuse survivors often get a negative feeling around perpetrators. If you get that feeling, honor it and take extra precautions until you can assess the situation further. That person may not be a sexual abuser, but your radar may be picking up things that are telling you to exercise caution. Unfortunately, there is no tell-tale mark of an abuser. They often meet certain traits. But, they come from all professions and have a vast array of different appearances. They can be parents, siblings, relatives, teachers, religious or scout leaders, doctors, neighbors, therapists and friends. Thats why it's important for children and teens to know that it's not just strangers that hurt children. Also be aware that abuse can be perpetrated on adults, particularly if they are in a vulnerable situation and are with someone they should be able to trust.

MYTH
Sexual abuse would not have occurred if someone hadn't been drinking or using drugs. Therefore, that person is not really responsible.

Reality
Using alcohol or drugs does not cause abuse. It loosens inhibitions. It is no excuse! The person who perpetrated the abuse is always responsible for their actions. Do not assume that if someone stops drinking or using drugs, they won't sexually abuse a child again.