Seven years ago, my husband
confessed to his therapist and then the authorites that he had repeatedly raped my oldest daughter, his step-daughter, some
years earlier. He had raised her as if she were his own, from the time she was only eight years old. She
was almost 18 at the time of his confession. There is some discrepency regarding when the abuse started and how long
it was inflicted. My daughter saying it lasted for 3 years and my husband saying only a few months. I believe
my daughter over the words of an admitted child molester. Needless to say, we divorced.
The reason I
decided to design this site is to help others going through this horrible ordeal; whether they are a survivor or a
parent or loved one of a survivor. I also want to educate the public because so many people are still so oblivious
and naive when it comes to sexual abuse and incest; just like I was until it happened to my children. Currently, I am
also learning how to apply for a state grant so I can put together packets of information for the Division of Family
Services to give to all non-offending parents when they are told their child has been sexually abused. Parents are enraged,
scared, in shock and experience so many emotions immediately after being notified. They need to know they
aren't alone and others have also been victimized, are now survivors, and know exactly what they are experiencing.
But the most important thing I want these parents to be able to hang onto is hope. Without hope, I wouldn't
have found the courage or strength necessary for my children. Many parents have no idea where to even
turn. I know I didn't. They need to be informed of the numerous local agencies who are willing and available
to help their entire family. They also need a list of therapists or psychologists who specialize in sexual abuse
against children so they can immediately enroll their entire family in counseling. Parents and loved ones also need
recommended books about incest and sexual abuse so they will better understand what they will be dealing
with. These parents need all of the information available to them, so they know they have options. They
also need words of encouragement and something to hold onto after the shock wears off and they finally realize their family
will be forever changed. I didn't receive that information or help or support. And because of it I made some
mistakes, which still haunt me today.
On Friday, April 13, 2001 (How ironic. Friday the 13th), a Greene County
MO deputy and the Division of Family Services showed up at my door and told me my oldest daughter had been sexually violated
by my husband. (Did I mention they originally told me the sex offender was the wrong person and it then took them
15 minutes to convince me it was actually my husband?) Incest wasn't supposed to happen in a family like
mine. I thought it only happened in poor, uneducated people's families far, far away. I couldn't
have been any more naive at the time. Incest can happen in ANY family. DFS didn't advise me to get
counseling for my daughter or myself or even tell me we had a local Victim's Center who offers free counseling for
victims of sexual abuse and their families. They never told me about our local Child Advocacy Center where my daughter
also could have received help. The way they handled questioning my daughter made her so distraught, she ran
away. They didn't offer any books, pamphlets or even a list of books about incest for me to read so I could
become educated and know what I was dealing with and that I had major decisons I had to make. They offered no type of
professional help or emotional support whatsoever and seemed more concerned about leaving my home so they could go question
my husband. I often wonder if DFS has become so numb to the crime of sexual abuse against children because it has
become such an epidemic in society today. These social workers need to be reminded what the term
"compassion" means and understand that just because they may tell hundreds of parents their child has been sexually
assaulted, that parent is being told one of the most horrific things they could possibly hear, for the very first time. The
only words of advice DFS did offer to me were, "You better divorce your husband, or we'll have no choice
but to take your other children away." I was absolutely horrified and I was divorced only 7 weeks later,
after having made many mistakes regarding the divorce terms, because I acted out of haste and extreme fear my children would
somehow be taken away from me. I was also a psychological wreck at the time and I was not thinking clearly. So
here it is, 7 years later, and because of the mistakes I made at the time of my divorce, I am still in court fighting
to keep my children safe from my ex-husband.
No parent should ever go through the horrible experience
of learning their child has been sexually assaulted. Furthermore, they should never find out the way I was told;
with such little compassion and with no type of emotional or professional support. I am determined to make a difference
because of my horrific ordeal. I am only one person, but change needs to start somewhere until that one person turns
into two and two into four and so forth and so forth.
Almost two years after finding out about the sexual
abuse perpetrated against my oldest daughter, it finally came to my attention that my ex-husband's father was sexually
abusing my second and third daughters; the second for eight years and the third daughter for eighteen months. I basically
had a total breakdown. But this time, I knew how to get the help my children needed. Two men, whom I trusted
my children's lives with, had stolen three of my daughter's innocence and had taken so much from them. They
betrayed us in a way no one can understand and they had lied to and manipulated us all as if we were nothing more than pawns
in their sick, twisted, little game of sexual abuse.
Healing starts with talking about incest. I told no
one except for the authorities, the children's counselors and my parents. I was embarrassed. I isolated myself
from all of my friends. I felt horribly guilty for not knowing this was happening (again) to my children and for
not being able to protect them. I buried all of the false guilt, pain, anger, sadness, feelings of betrayal, embarrassment
and rage. This condition is called, Denial (1) and it's quite common in victims and/or the
non-offending parents. I knew the abuse had occurred, but I refused to deal with it unless I absolutely had to.
This can also be called Minimalizing the Abuse. The person refuses to really hear the truth,
read police reports or do anything else that would inform them of actual details of the abuse. Instead, these
people choose to tell themself the abuse couldn't possibly have been as bad as what any rational person
would normally think. These are defense mechanisms and the brain's way of protecting the soul.
Every victim and secondary victim cope with such emotional trauma in their own way. Many victims even bury the
abuse to the point their mind remembers nothing of such trauma or they only have flashbacks. At times, the brain almost
takes over and does anything it has to do in order to protect the child from trauma he/she just isn't able to cope
with. This condition is called, Dissociation. (2)
Another step of the healing process is seeking
justice and having closure. My children have received neither. My oldest daughter refused to cooperate with the
authorities based on numerous emotions; anger, because when the Greene County deputy and DFS social worker went
to her school to question her, they (the deputy, in full uniform, stood at the door to her classroom) removed her from
her class in front of all of her friends. Of course, this made her look like SHE had done something wrong and she was
embarrassed and angry. She was fearful she would be blamed. She felt shame and embarrassment regarding the nature
of the crime. She had tried to bury the abuse, since it had occurred years earlier and psychologically, she wasn't
ready to deal with the abuse. Sadly, and now looking back, I often wonder if she was also trying to protect
me and her sisters from financial hardship and the possibility of having to sell our home since I had been a homemaker for over
6 years. To this day, I don't think I know all of the reasons she chose not to cooperate with the authorities.
And because of her lack of cooperation, no charges have ever been filed against my ex-husband, even though he confessed to
his crimes. However, the Missouri State Statutes state the statute of limitations for charging someone with any type
of sexual crime against a child is 20 yrs from the date the victim turns 18. (RSMo 556.037) My
daughter is finally in therapy and just now dealing with her abuse. Hopefully, someday she will become strong
enough to press charges against her abuser and my ex-husband will finally be held accountable for his crimes.
He has 13+ more years to keep looking over his shoulder. This man also owes me and my children over $80,000.00
in past due child support and alimony. He has never been held accountable for what he did to my oldest daughter and
he has never suffered any consequences for being so far in arrearage of his court ordered financial obligations. The
State of Missouri has allowed this man to get away with all of his crimes. I'm sure, at this point, my ex-husband feels
he is untouchable. He even convinced his curent wife that the sexual abuse HE inflicted was my fault and his victim's
fault. This is just typical behavior of so many sex offenders. Their actions are always someone else's
fault and so many refuse to accept responsibility for THEIR OWN HORRIFIC CHOICES. Allowing a man, with such a narcissistic
personality, to get away with his crimes only confirmed to my ex-husband he didn't need to accept responsibility
for all he had done, because (according to him) it was everyone else's fault anyway.
His father was eventually
convicted of three felonies, but the judge only sentenced him to 30 days of "shock time" in jail and five years
of probation. He actually served only eight days in jail, which amounted to only one day for every year
he had sexually abused my second daughter and he never served a minute of time for sexually abusing my third daughter
for almost two years. I was outraged and thus the revictimization of my family, by the legal system, had begun.
My children never received justice for all of the horrible things they were forced to endure by two men who "claimed"
to love them.
The psychological dynamics surrounding incest are devastating. To this day, I truly
believe it would have been easier to cope with if my children had been abused by a stranger. The abuser would have
been sent to prison (WHY is the legal system so tolerant of relatives raping children? How do they justify probation
if the abuser is a relative but a prison term if the abuser was a stranger?), Justice would have been served and all
of the conflicting emotions involved when incest occurs, wouldn't have been a factor. When a relative
sexually abuses a child, the child feels so torn due to the love they have for their abuser. The revelation of the abuse
usually tears the family apart. Worse, some in the family may not believe them. Some children might even be afraid
a loved one will go to jail and they will feel responsible. Due to all of the emotions involved and all of the interpersonal
relationships, any adult would have a hard time dealing with it all and most do. Now, try to imagine how hard it must
be for the victim, a child.
I am still trying to learn how to finally move forward with my children, even seven
years later, so we can leave the past in the past and learn from it. It isn't easy. Even today,
I am still full of rage. These two men destroyed my family and hurt my children more than they will ever comprehend.
They don't care. Child molesters have no sense of empathy. Neither of them were punished and they both
think they got away with their crimes. CHILDREN DESERVE JUSTICE just as much as adults do so they, too, can have
closure.
Healing from all of the ramifications of incest is a very slow process. It certainly doesn't
help when your life still isn't resolved, because it forces you to live in the past. For the past 3.5 years, I have
been fighting in court to keep my children safe from my ex-husband. This admitted child molester truly believes
he deserves to have unsupervised visitation with my children. My oldest daughter, his victim, is now married and
in graduate school hundreds of miles away so she is safe from him. The commissioner ruled temporarily until the trial, he
is not allowed any contact with my second and third daughters and his father isn't allowed anywhere near any of my children
or our home since he is still on probation, so they are safe for now. (My ex-husband still visits and maintains a loving
relationship with his father, the man who sexually abused his children. Of course, how would he justify severing the
relationship when they are both so much alike. They are both child molesters!) However, the court has ordered
supervised visitation for 1 hour per week, in a court ordered program, with my youngest daughter; the only child who
hasn't been sexually assaulted by these monsters. WHY? What is the point? Does the court expect me to
take my daughter to these sterile type of visits for the next 10 years? It is all just so insane. My daughter
gets nothing from these visits. The only person who benefits from these sterile visits is the child molester, my
ex-husband. He gets an hour of the attention, he so desperately craves, by putting on the show, "Aren't
I the perfect father" for his audience; the poor supervisor.
The trial will finally conclude in August
2008. At that time, the commissioner will finally hand down the permanent orders regarding any type of contact
between my children and their father. (Please pray for us that this nightmare will finally be over and that any type
of visitation or contact is permanently ceased for all of my children so they will finally feel completely safe.) I
have learned that no one wins in Family Court and it only prolongs the healing process due the the number of years it
takes for a judge or commissioner to even hear your case. Tens of thousands of dollars later, I am still waiting...to
enforce my God given right...to protect ALL of my children, so we can all finally heal, we can move forward into
the future and start our new lives.
My ex-husband and his father were both allowed to move forward with their lives
years ago. When will my children and I finally be given the same opportunity?
We are survivors!
We refuse to allow anyone to ever victimize us again!
These are my experiences, a mother and a secondary victim, of the events in my family's
life.
I specifically did not address
the majority of my children's issues or experiences out of respect for their privacy.
Update-October, 2008
No one wins in Family Court except the attorneys. I knew that going into this battle four years ago.
The commissioner finally made her ruling this month after a 3-day trial, which started in February and finally concluded
in August. I was awarded what was most important to me: sole physical and sole legal custody of my daughters, which
ensures that my ex-husband has no legal rights to my children except for the very limited supervised visitation he was
given with my youngest daughter. Even after hearing 2 professionals recommend that my ex-husband's parental rights
be terminated, and all 4 professionals recommending, at the very least, visitation should immediately cease between my youngest
daughter and her father, the commissioner felt she knew better and ruled that visitation be continued. However, instead
of weekly visits through the court ordered program, using our local college's social work students as the supervisors,
my ex-husband will now be supervised by a Psychologist for only one, 50 minute session every other week. As long
as the same strict visitation rules are adhered to, I think the ruling is fair because I know my daughter will only have to
spend 21.6 hours in an entire YEAR visiting her father in such a sterile and non-conducive environment.
My daughter will also be better protected, both physically and emotionally, which has always been my greatest concern.
The commissioner stated my 14 yr. old daughter only had to participate in visitation if
she so desired and then expressed her wishes to her therapist. She has chosen to decline in participating with
any type of contact with her father.
Since the trial concluded in August, my ex-husband expressed his love for my 18 yr. old
daughter by requesting that his child support be terminated for her since he feels she is legally emancipated.
According to RSMo. 452.340 Section 3 and subsection (5), he is legally obligated to financially support her until the age of 21 if she is enrolled full-time in college. She
has already been accepted to the college of her choice. However, the year my daughter started kindergarten, the school
system changed the age requirements for enrollment. She missed the birthday cut-off date by 20 days and they refused
to let her start early. The next year, the school system reversed their decision and changed back to the original date.
Because of this, even though my daughter turned 18 last summer, she is only a senior in high school. Yet her father
expects her to financially support herself even while being enrolled in the International Baccalaureate program. My
daughter was informed she could legally force her father for the financial support he is legally obligated to pay her,
but instead she decided she wants nothing from him. I think she made a very adult and wise decision and she had
already severed all type of contact with him years ago.
Child molesters not only devastate their victim's lives, they also destroy their family
and emotionally devastate their own children. I don't know if my children will ever trust their father or choose
to ever have any type of relationship with him once they are adults. They are the only ones who can make
that decision. One of my daughters told her counselor years ago, "I will be too embarrassed to introduce my dad
to a future husband and I certainly will never trust him around my children, so why bother having a relationship with
him now."
All of my children are now legally and physically
safe from both their father and paternal grandfather. Finally, it is our turn to start fresh and move forward with our new lives. It's about damn time!!
Update-April, 2009
I was informed back in January that my ex-father-in-law broke the terms of his probation and his home computer had been taken
away. This didn't surprise me and why he was ever allowed a computer during his probation had always frustrated
me considering a computer had been used during his crimes. Of course considering his probation ends during Spring 2009,
I'm sure this was nothing more than an inconvenience for him. I just dare him or his wife to try to pursue any type
of contact with me or any of my children once his probation ends.
My ex-husband tracked down my second daughter at her doctor's appointment. (So much for patient confidentiality...but
the hospital is "investigating the incident".) He was smart enough to finally realize her school will
not tolerate a child molester on their property during school hours. He used a lame excuse for contacting her, tried
to manipulate her and profess his love for her. (His family has a pretty perverted sense of what love is. He is
so dysfunctional, he has no clue how to love anyone in a healthy manner.) She saw right through him and again politely
asked him to leave her alone. On numerous occasions throughout the years, she has made it loud and clear she does not
want any type of relationship with him or his family. Since she is now of legal age and was not part of the court order,
she applied to the court, on her own, for a protective order against her father but was denied. The court
informed her he would have to contact her again before they would consider it harrassment and issue her a protective order
against him. Again, the courts protect the rights of child molesters more than they protect the rights of victims/children.
But at least it is now on record so if he is stupid enough to harrass her again, he will suffer the consequences
and the court will again get involved. I don't think her father fully understand how emotionally strong my daughter
has become. If he chooses to harrass her again, I guess he will find out for himself!!
Terminology_____________
1 Denial: Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person refuses to
acknowledge the existence or severity of unpleasant external realities or internal thoughts and feelings.
2
Dissociation: In
traditional psychology dissociation, a defense mechanism, is the unconscious process of separating certain thoughts or
behaviors from a person's identity or belief system
This site was designed for and is best viewed using 1440 X 900 resolution. I apologize for how the website might appear otherwise.
