Exerpt
from "Triumph over Darkness"
by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A.
1. We grew up feeling very isolated and
vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.
2. Our early development has been
interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.
3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not
dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our selff-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.
4. Putting thoughts and feelings related
to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way
out is to go through these emotions and process them.
5. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma.
This is because: we are working on separating the past from the present. Pleasure and pain can sometimes
be experienced simultaneously. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we
lacked as children. Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.
6. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.
7. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.
8.
There is nothing wrong with us as survivors -- something wrong was DONE to us.
9. Sometimes others
get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what
we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We
are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.
10.
Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained
NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how
you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to
keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.
11. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add
your pain to our own.
12. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter
that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody -- from any social class or ethnic background, with
any level of education-- may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom
you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.
13. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.
14. We are afraid we might
push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not
leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.
15. Our therapy
does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings
issues to the surface that were already present.
16. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we
say goodbye to parts of ourselves.
